디모데후서 1:6 내가 왜 하나님께서 그대에게 주신 은사를 사용하라고 말하는지 아시겠습니까? 하나님께서는 내가 그대에게 손을 얹고 기도할 때 은사를 주셨습니다. 작은 불꽃이 큰 불을 일으키듯 그대가 받은 은사를 자라게 하십시오.
작은 불꽃은 순식간에 큰 불이 된다. 불의 성질은 그 누구도 거부할 수가 없다. 뜨겁고, 타오르고, 그러나 생각보다 조용하다. 조용한 곳에서 타오르고 있는 나, 주님은 나를 작은 불이라 말씀하신다. 그리고 나는 하나님이 바라봐주는 그 시선이 너무 행복하다. 내가 불이라서 싫었는데, 하나님은 내가 작은 불이어서 기뻐하시고 나를 그렇게 만드셨다. 혼자 조용한 곳에서 불타오르고 있는 나는 가끔 외롭다. 그러나 내게 주신 은사에 대한 하나님의 미세한 하나님의 음성을 들으려고 노력하는 요즘 나는 생각보다 평안하다. 흔들리려다가 싶다가도 다시 잠잠히 타오르기로 결심하고 나는 더 굳건해진다. 벌써 몇십년전에 소망언니에게 받은 이 소중한 말씀은, 내게 읽고 읽을 때마다 내 마음을 설레게 하고 기대케한다. 정말 변하지 않는 나의 사랑하는 말씀이다.
주님, 내가 작은 불이지만 그래서 사람들은 알아보지 못하고 타오르고 있는지도 모르지만, 나는 주님께서 주신 나의 은사가 너무 기쁩니다. 그리고 주님의 마음을 알 수 있어서 행복합니다. 내가 나 스스로 생각하는 잘못된 생각들과 편견들을 성령의 불로 태워주시고 내 마음에 새로운 불, 하나님의 불이 잠잠히 타오르게 하여 도와주세요. 하나님의 마음과 음성을 듣기 민감한 아티스트가 되기를 원합니다. 사람들의 필요말고, 정말 하나님의 크나 크신 마음에 아주 가까이 하는 자가 되기를 원합니다.
나는 나의 결과물이나 성취가 아니라 나의 일상 자체를 예술로 만들고 싶다. 살아간다는 일, 숨을 쉰다는 일, 언어를 빚고 언어를 들으며 살아가는 이 삶을 최고의 예술작품으로 만들고 싶다. 나는 ‘스펙과 프로필’을 쌓기 위해 끊임없이 경쟁하는 사회생활의 감옥으로부터 벗어나, ‘지금 여기서 살아가는 이 순간간'을 가장 아름다운 예술작품으로 만들고 싶다. 아무도 나를 바라보지 않는 순간에도, 나는 내 인생이라는 소중한 질료를 찰흙처럼 곱게 빚고 매만져 아름다운 예술작품으로 만들고 싶다. -비로소 내 마음의 적정 온도를 찾다
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나는 아티스트로서 참 큰 착각에 빠져 살아왔다. 나의 결과물과 성취가 나를 정의한다고 생각하는것이다. 스펙과 프로필, 세상이 말하는 빽을 가지려고 발버둥치는 사회인이랑 다를것이 무엇인가. 다른 형태일 뿐이지, 똑같은거다. 나를 정의하는것이 내 밖에서 생긴다는 것 자체가 내 존재의 존엄성을 할퀴는 것이다. 내가 만드는 결과물과 성취는 나라는 예술작품 자체가 만들어내는 부산물일 뿐이다. 진정한 예술작품은 나라는 존재이다. 그저 숨을 쉰다고만 해도 내가 오늘을 살아가는것 자체로 나는 예술의 자취를 남기고 있다. 그 하루하루가 예술이 되고 일상이 되는것이다. 그렇다. 세상은 거짓말을 속삭인다. 자본주의 사회에 완전히 곁들여 살기 위해서는, 나 자체로는 절대 부족하다고 내 얼굴에 대고 외치기 때문이다. 그러나 내가 진정으로 일구어내고 찾아야할, 만들어야 할 참된 작품은 이미 나라는 사람 자체에 존재한다. 날씨같이 변하는 감정도, 아름다운것을 보고 그릴 수 있는 달란트도, 뜨겁게 타오르는 열정의 마음도, 그 모든것이 예술 그 자체라는 것이다. 그것이 사람의, 생명의 존엄성이다. 그것이 선물이고, 내가 평생 누릴 수 있는 가장 값어치 있는 것이다.
The artworks should not define me. It obviously does, without any doubt, but ultimately does not. Because, the original artwork exists- and that is just me myself. The artworks do not exist without my existence. Which, I am the first and last artwork that was created for this world, to just live. For people to amaze and to look upon with awestruck. That is who I am, and as an artist, I neglect the real, true artwork that I am ‘living in.’ Isn’t it an amazing life? Not just to possess or make artwork, but to live as one? It is beyond any human understanding, our limits, our thoughts just to constantly produce things that define us, anything you can imagine. Yes. You are the artwork. You are the masterpiece. What you make, what you accomplish, cannot change you or define you. You are an artwork yourself. You are beautiful.
학기 마무리 앞을 두고 정말 많은 생각을 한다. 어떠한 시기를, 무언가를, 매일 매일 부여잡고 지나온 터널같은 순간을 지나온다는건 나에게 놀라운 변화를 주었다. 그것이 무엇인지 구체적으로 표현하지 않아도 된다. 그 터널을 지나기 전과, 지난 후의 나는, 다르다는 사실 자체 하나에 나는 기뻐한다. 더 성장하고 위로 나아가는 느낌보다는, 더 뿌리내리며 아래로 깊어지는 느낌이다. 원래 학기가 끝날 때 쯤이면 1,2 주를 남겨두고 주로 나몰라라 벌써 나자빠질때가 있는데, 이번 학기는 단 일주일도 남지 않았는데도 매일, 하루하루, 내게 마지막으로 맡겨진 작업들과 과제들을 하고 있다. 이젠 마지막, 같이 느껴지는 작업 하나 하나가 끝나고 마무리 될 때마다, 말로 표현할 수 없는 응어리같은것이 느껴진다. 마지막 오르는 계단들이 가장 욱신거리고 숨이찬것같은, 그런 느낌 말이다. 저녁에 산책을 하는데 보여지는 밤공기속 나무 끝 잎파리와 하늘의 별이 다르게 보여졌다. 이것이 터널을 지나온 어떠한 변화인걸까. 모든것이 나를 반겨주고, 묵묵히 안아주는듯 했다. 내 안의 가시라면 가시같은 것들, 뾰족하게 모난 부분들이 10주라는 시간동안 많이 무뎌졌다는것을 느꼈다. 나는 이제야 느끼는것 같다. 나의 작업이, 나의 예술이, 나를 치유한다는 것을. 그렇게 치유 되기에는, 그저 한두번 끄적이는 순간으로는 내 가장 어두운 심연에 닿지 못한다. 매일, 매일, 내 손목이 아파 아릴 때까지 나는 그리고, 찍고, 또 만들었다. 그리고 나는 드디어 밤하늘의 별을 눈 시리게 볼 수 있었다. 나는 작업을 통해 드디어 하나님을, 치유의 손길을 만났구나. 나는, 나를 포기 하지 않았구나, 오늘도. 그래서 다행이다.
“외로움을 견딜 용기, 내 앞의 불확실한 미래가 던져주는 불안을 견뎌낼 용기, 타인의 삶을 곁눈질하지 않으면서 오직 내 안에서 들리는 절실한 열망의 목소리를 들을 수 있는 용기가 필요했다. 소로는 그 많은 용기를 항상 자연과 책으로부터 얻었다. (…) 독서는 매일 영혼의 가장 환한 불을 켜둠으로로써 자칫 흐려지기 쉬운 자신의 마음을 비추는 거울의 역할을 해주었다.
남의 것을 탐할 필요도 없고, 내가 가진 것 이상을 넘볼 필요도 없이, 오직 내내 안의 모든 가능성을 하나하나 실험하고 실현할 용기만 있다면. 우리 삶은 더욱 당당하고 아름답지 않을까.”
참 오랫동안 외롭지 않으려고, 불안해 하지 않으려고, 비교하지 않으려고 참 노력해왔다. 그런데 알게 되었다. 내가 삶을 사는 동안 인간으로서 꼬리표처럼 외로움, 불안함, 의심, 은 어쩔수가 없는것이라고. 예수님과 너무 친밀하다가도, 나는 잠시 다른 곳을 보게 될 때, 어쩔 수 없이 내가 겪어야 할, 어쩌면 필요한 것들이라고 생각이 바뀌기 시작했다. 그리고 정여울 작각가가 말한다. 내게 필요한 것은 그 모든것을 피하고, 모른척하며, 그냥 그저 좋은 것, 그저 기분 좋으려고 노력하는 태도가 아니라, 견디기 힘든 것들을 견딜 용기라고. 우리는 얼마나 견디며 살아갈까. 견디며 살아간다고 불평하고 짜증내지만 사실은 피하고 있을 뿐인데, 견딘다고 스스로에게 거짓말하는 것 아닐까. 견딘다는 것은 그 감정들과 오롯이 같이 앉아있는것이다. 나를 둘러 싸고 내 안에 가득 그 감정들이 체한듯 얹혀있어도, 곧 지나갈 것에 확인하고 잠시, 침묵하며, 기다리는 것이다. 이것은 내 옆의 이웃을 위함이 아니다. 나라는 유리 상자 안에 있는 가장 어둡고 괴로운 구석에 가서, 내가 함께 있어주는 것이다. 그럴 때 놀랍게도 나는 알게 된다. 내가 결코 혼자 있는것이 아님을. 따뜻한 성령님은, 당신은, 그 견디는 순간에 가장 친밀히 옆에 계심을.
허공에 날려 없어지는 가벼운 말들만 하는 사람이 되고 싶지 않다. 그럴 바에는 소음 속에서 침묵을 택하고, 조용히 견디며 눈을 마주쳐주는 사람이 되고 싶다.
Fear is created when we are not familiar with the subject.
Fear of telling God how I truly feel inside honestly because he might judge me. Fear of a person you like leave you because the relationship just started. Fear of diving into my artworks as if I might not do well. Fear of challenging to leave home because there might be danger in the world. Fear of telling the world that I am Christian Artist. Fear of trying different methods of art and creativity.
I used to feel so intimidated of photoshoots, especially in my Masters, because I was scared I might do bad. It was so huge that I did nothing except for thinking about the photoshoot the whole time, it was a total love and hate relationship I had. I graduated and continued my works back in home. Pandemic hit and I continued. I started youtube and even tried to film myself doing photoshoots. Then eventually, the fear was gradually gone. I believe it was not only because I was repeating that fearful process of photoshoot over and over again to make myself familiar, but also sharing it to the people next to me, my models, friends, assistants, and the supporters online. I believe this is where the power of fear dies. You encounter it until you can see it with your two eyes, and start to share that with others because sometimes it's hard to encounter that fear alone.
Now I love doing photoshoots, I think I just overcame fear of doing self-portraits, this was another level, yes, but I actually enjoy repeating such process. It's definitely a struggle, discipline, and a difficult staircase to go up, but, I learn that when it's shared with neighbors, and ultimately with God, he generously take the fear and changes it into, love.
I've heard artists who they still say they feel intimidated standing in front of their new work. And it's totally understandable. But as time passes, our work need to feel less feared but more loving. If fear is still dominating you, it means either you have not repeated enough in a faster pace (because fear comes back if there is a longer gap), or you have not shared that process of artwork or the final piece of artwork with your neighbors in any kind of ways. I believe two go together perfectly.
I am in the midst of filming a lot of my mixed media artworks. I used to be nervous about picking up my paint brush again to paint. It was more of a hobby thing I could do after school is over. But now it is an everyday process and I am finally filming these every day. Can't wait to share them- And interestingly, filming my works is like creating a perspective that is watching me. And I thought of it the other day as God's perspective. Just quietly observing, but being there for me. I used to think filming was such a hassle to add next to my creative process, but after that change of thought, filming, recording, has been a different deal. God is watching. Beyond, he is with me. And that is how we overcome fear. We realize we have support, strength, and love from people around us who is watching us and cheering us. Then we repeat. So we can fight our fear of singing, drawing, photographing, painting, praying, praising, whatever that is. Then fear starts to melt down. The shadow becomes light. Then our mere works of art becomes a praise. A holy praise.
Luke 19:20-21 "Master, here's your money safe and sound. I kept it hidden in the cellar. To tell you the truth, I was a little afraid. I know you have high standards and hate sloppiness, and don't s suffer fools gladly."
Continuing with the Servants and the Talents series meditation this week. I'm going to say the conclusion of today's meditation- Fear makes us stop. But God's life, makes us move. The difference between frozen state, and lively moving state.
What the servant above says is so devastating to me, because it is so ironic. If he thought God had such high standards, why did he keep the money from God in a cellar, hidden? Not doing anything with it? If he was afraid of Master, why did he just keep still? Ultimately, whose standards is this man talking about? Is it really God's? I do not exactly know how his logistics are working, but somehow I understand. It was because he was scared. Hurt, feared, insecure from past. Or wrong perspective about God. The point is that he was "afraid" to be rejected by people, world to say NO to him, or merely failing to use that money for good. So he decided to NOT DO ANYTHING and lay around in bed. Hiding the life, money, talent, that was given for granted. I mean, do you think he even prayed amongst that time? I assume not, because he obviously did not know exactly the characteristics of God.
You know what, I understand this man 100%. But only the part where he was afraid so he decided not to be prolific. It's like I know my grades are updated online but because I am so afraid to see it I don't click on it until the last minute. Yes. This man waited until the last minute when Master came back, and he was, well, too late. The part I don't understand is that if I was him I would work my butt off to really use that money to even make two out of one. But during the meditation that "standard" that the servant had, lived inside me for the longest time. And it's not God's, of course, but it's mine. And it's infinitely high that is ridiculous. And I believe, even in you, who are reading this, have some kind of standards that might not be necessarily made by you but your parents, your dark past, people around you, media, the world, the lies.... And they make you, what? Yes. FREEZE. So you do not do ANYTHING for God. How scary is that. Just to live a day like a hamster in a cage running the treadmill over and over again, being obsessed about what to eat, how to earn money, and what to wear.
But there is good news. The metaphor says this is money, but this means life. The servant could not have lived without the money that the Master gave before he left. God gave us part of his life so we can LIVE. And here, living means not only just breathing (of course thank Jesus for that), but to ACT and LIVE for God. Getting up from the lethargies, regrets, hurt, past, fear, and doing the smallest thing in my day today with such love. I mean, think about it, what would have these servants have done with this money (this money was a payment for about 100 days which is pretty big), do a business? donate to homeless? sell food and clothes? Whichever it is, they shared. Only sharing makes it twice and triple larger. Meaning, we have to live today to use our talents to share. It might not be necessarily monetizing term, but to give and show and share.
Or, simply, just practice and discipline your talents in your small room. Just doing it. For me, I draw, paint, everyday, and edit photos, and write. Then share online. Send to people. Why? Because the Master is returning. We cannot do NOTHING until he tells us to "do this" or "go there," before that, we are preparing. Because without preparation when he calls us we will be like "oh I'm not ready because I do not have this or I am not talented enough," that's exactly what the darkness wants. We need to be getting ready EVERYDAY. Small steps at a time. So we are ready to say "yes" when we actually asks what to do or go here and there for his name sake. Meaning, we need to get up and prepare ourselves today for his coming. That is our reward. I mean, what a brilliant, amazing reward- compared to what this world says reward- a house? a car? a fame? They will not even last a short time as fly's life. He is coming back to see what we have in our hands through his generously given- talent, life, gift, and light. That is the purpose of life.
I encourage you to break your fear. If you are frozen in one state where you are thinking like thousand thoughts but cannot act, it means you are stopped. Because your hands and feet are not moving. Moving your thoughts is not, unfortunately, living. That exists ultimately to act upon. Not just leaving as thoughts. Another bad news is that, when you keep thoughts for too long- they become worries. Darkness love to play with your thoughts and drag down again with them so you will not act.
Get up, move, and live. Share. You have his life. That is all you need and you have everything.
Acts 9:15 "He is chosen in my name as my tool, to deliver my name to the world."
This is the second thing Jesus says about Paul ever in Acts, and it is breathtaking as I meditate. After this moment, Paul's life changes just like a flip of a coin.
What is the purpose of life, which the world says? or what my parents had been telling me since I was young? or how my peers live their lives in my age currently? It's pretty simple; it's the matter of what to eat, how to earn money, what to wear. Exactly what Jesus tells us NOT TO WORRY in the four gospels but to trust him, because he even cares for the sparrows and the wild flowers in the fields.
I prayed upon today's journal and I was honest to God; that I am not courageous enough to actually be ready for the hardships I will encounter whilst delivering your name in my works and my life. I need Holy Spirit to give that steel heart in me; I do not know if I could really be stern in your name even in the midst of the world taking away the food, clothing, and money from me because I praise Jesus.
But apparently, the verse does that actually give Paul a choice. Jesus does not ask him. We would think that God's declaration may be some sort of a chain and a force into our lives as if we are losing freedom, but I believe Paul knew right away that was actually the freedom. Encountering the true God and living for his name, even if he had to run away from the city because people were trying to kill him. Which I admire Paul for that blunt change in few hours-days possibly, and I ask the Spirit of God to make that change in my heart also. Not looking back
Luke 19:13 There was once a man descended from a royal house who needed to make a long trip back to headquarters to get authorization for his rule and then return. But first he called ten servants together, gave them each ten servants together, gave them each a sum of money, and instructed them, 'Operate with this until I return.'
Last week's sermon was the metaphor of talent. I listened very closely as I have been meditating about talent for pretty long time as I picked up painting again, in mixed with photography. There was an important part of this passage that I did not know; here, the 'money,' or 'talent,' that is from the original work called 'mina,' which was the currency name back then. The preacher said this actually means beyond just money and talent, but a 'life.'
Meaning, the man who descended from the royal family going back to hometown to receive kingship is Jesus, and he gives us 'life' to 'operate with them until he returns.' I used to think limited in terms of talent which are more of skills such as creativity, wealth, or any kind of born-with-abilities that we could make career of. However, this is actually the new 'life' that Jesus gives as when we accept him as our ruler of our lives. Unfortunately, just as Jews rejected Jesus, on verse 14, the servants hated him and did not want him to receive the kingship. They wanted themselves to rule their own lives, or, let the world and the people of authority to rule them so they could be comfortable and enjoy the security that the world gives.
The life itself that we are living today, the day that I have been giving today, is what Jesus gave us to share and flourish before he returns. He already has received the Kingship from the father of heaven. But I seem to forget that this day, this life, is for something better in the future. I get lazy and procrastinate thinking I do not need to put too much effort because I do not want Jesus to RULE over my today. Then I lay around, worrying, being busy for nothing, merely thinking about uncertain future, or just becoming negative about my present environment, and eventually at the end of the day I realize- I have lost that 'life' today. And sadly, to the one who kept the money in a fabric and did nothing with it, the royal man returns and becomes mad and takes away that one money. Given to the one who already made ten out of one. Yes. Pretty clear conclusion. The life is not ours, so if we do not make a good living for Jesus, the owner takes it away at the end of the life when he returns. There is not much time to linger around doing nothing with our lives- we have to live this present as we take small responsibilities that is already given today, and also wait for God to really open doors in our lives.
I encourage you to get out of that drowned past of hurt and doubt. That just works when the darkness wants to drag you down so you don't life that 'life' that Jesus gave you before he left. It's so simple. Darkness is so glad that you are still hurt, scared, and feared. Unfortunately it means you are still in the dark, not the light. It's just either or thing here in Christianity. It's either dark or light. But the ultimate master gave us something called life, to live, flourish, and exceed- so we could love our God and our neighbor until Jesus returns again. Get up. Get out of the dark bed of death and move out to the light. Grab your day whatever is in your room, read the bible, or hold the guitar, cook in the kitchen, pray, sing, or simply create. Act upon the things that are already surrounded in you, then God will also start working. He is waiting for you.
"A Devout life does bring wealth, but it's the rich simplicity of being yourself before God. Since we entered the world penniless and will leave it penniless, if we have bread on the table and shoes on our feet, that's enough." -1 Timothy 6:6-8 MSG
Just came back from the trip to Colorado and the sermon that I heard over the Sunday was about God's word. Just the simple classic sermon about five fingers grasping the Bible, five fingers representing reading, memorizing, studying, hearing, and meditating. I've been searching for awhile my next inspiration for artworks, and have been lost. And I realized again, that this is it. The reason and the foundation I will ever go back to the basics of creating. The ultimate source of passion. Inspiration.
God tells me that everything I write, I create, draw, and take photos of - has life in it. Has light in it, if I am abiding in his word. And it is simple is that, the sad fact is that I always believe in something else, which is all the time at the end of the day, a lie. God reminds me that the medium, the major, the subject that I decide to recreate, is a second priority. It does not matter more than what is in me. In my spirit. And when there is God's word residing in me, it's Jesus that is full in me, and there is power and life in the works I create. It does not matter what it is. This is how wonderful he works.
As an artist, creating and expressing art is a form of revealing the self. It's a pretty provoking, intimidating job to have an introvert, but surprisingly, introverts are always eager to show and express. But ironically scared (laugh). Nevertheless, thank God, he has given us something called beautiful talent that we could use to indirectly express ourselves so we do not choke. And releasing that is the easy part, but the hard part is to actually know by heart that what is in me that is going to be released. This does not come from just reading books or having amazing techniques, it comes from being simply, being myself in front of God. And that is rich. That is overwhelming grace. That is all we can do as God-called artists. That is all. It's a challenge, but a gift at the same time. Challenge with me.
I think a lot these days about, what do I really want to draw.
And that thought has been on going for awhile. What to photograph is so natural to me now that I do not think much to it, but for some reason, it is not the same with being in front of the empty sketchbook. I wonder what this means. I really wonder what is hindering me to draw something out of a blank page. I mean, is it that different from capturing that moment?
Fear is evident. It is the line that aligns between worldly security, and dreamy visions that I cannot just let go.
I dream about challenging myself in a new genre of art. Really, starting with a new fresh heart. And that seems easy because people tell me young, talented, and available, but that sounds easy when it's someone else's story. When it becomes my own, I am hesitant for the longest time, but my heart is kind of crystal clear what I really desire and want.
I really, really want to be honest with myself at least when I am trying to listen to my heart myself. I hate regretting and looking back, and I am quite proud I have made decisions until now where I have never looked back. To make those decisions, it needs endurance and patience, and it is difficult. It is enduring the relationship that seems like that is killing me, it is being patient with a class that makes me realize I don't want to major in this anymore (laugh).
Maybe I am afraid to really draw, because it is so raw form of expression where I can see myself in a disarmed version; and that sometimes is horribly difficult. With camera, it is just so perfect in my hands now that I do my thing whether or not I feel good or bad that day. But with brushes, oil pastels, my status of heart in that right moment is apparent on the surface and it annoys me. The fact that I am not okay. The fact that I am constantly sometimes thinking of one thing over and over again making me emotional. That is why. I still struggle to open the sketchbook, but I decide I will. Again, and again.
Leaning, means to let my weight shift towards there. And yes it sounds so light and simple, but actually leaning towards someone, especially Jesus, is a lot harder than I could expect by just lifting and tip toeing my weight to him. These days- Jesus is really wanting me to let down my biggest treasure in front of the cross- and that is, surprisingly, art. Everyday since I have begun praying for this, I have realized how much I am deeply in love with what I am good at, I strive to be better at, and I am so passionate of. It is indeed art. Ironically, yes, you would think something that God is given as a gift to you, why would I need to lay it down- but now I think about it opposite- because. It is God given. Then it is his. Not mine. He wants to stand even above this treasure.
These are the photographs from Savannah. Where I started all my journey again in photography and art. It was a big decision to really push again academically- but it was indeed led by God. It was a new jump to actually go to the foundation and really investigate why I am here, why I call myself an artist. And, here I am, now in Atlanta, meeting God again. Leaning on to Jesus again.
