The Art of Fear

May 07, 2022 in Prayer

Fear is created when we are not familiar with the subject.

Fear of telling God how I truly feel inside honestly because he might judge me. Fear of a person you like leave you because the relationship just started. Fear of diving into my artworks as if I might not do well. Fear of challenging to leave home because there might be danger in the world. Fear of telling the world that I am Christian Artist. Fear of trying different methods of art and creativity.

I used to feel so intimidated of photoshoots, especially in my Masters, because I was scared I might do bad. It was so huge that I did nothing except for thinking about the photoshoot the whole time, it was a total love and hate relationship I had. I graduated and continued my works back in home. Pandemic hit and I continued. I started youtube and even tried to film myself doing photoshoots. Then eventually, the fear was gradually gone. I believe it was not only because I was repeating that fearful process of photoshoot over and over again to make myself familiar, but also sharing it to the people next to me, my models, friends, assistants, and the supporters online. I believe this is where the power of fear dies. You encounter it until you can see it with your two eyes, and start to share that with others because sometimes it's hard to encounter that fear alone.

Now I love doing photoshoots, I think I just overcame fear of doing self-portraits, this was another level, yes, but I actually enjoy repeating such process. It's definitely a struggle, discipline, and a difficult staircase to go up, but, I learn that when it's shared with neighbors, and ultimately with God, he generously take the fear and changes it into, love.

I've heard artists who they still say they feel intimidated standing in front of their new work. And it's totally understandable. But as time passes, our work need to feel less feared but more loving. If fear is still dominating you, it means either you have not repeated enough in a faster pace (because fear comes back if there is a longer gap), or you have not shared that process of artwork or the final piece of artwork with your neighbors in any kind of ways. I believe two go together perfectly.

I am in the midst of filming a lot of my mixed media artworks. I used to be nervous about picking up my paint brush again to paint. It was more of a hobby thing I could do after school is over. But now it is an everyday process and I am finally filming these every day. Can't wait to share them- And interestingly, filming my works is like creating a perspective that is watching me. And I thought of it the other day as God's perspective. Just quietly observing, but being there for me. I used to think filming was such a hassle to add next to my creative process, but after that change of thought, filming, recording, has been a different deal. God is watching. Beyond, he is with me. And that is how we overcome fear. We realize we have support, strength, and love from people around us who is watching us and cheering us. Then we repeat. So we can fight our fear of singing, drawing, photographing, painting, praying, praising, whatever that is. Then fear starts to melt down. The shadow becomes light. Then our mere works of art becomes a praise. A holy praise.

Fear makes you Freeze like an ICE

May 05, 2022 in Prayer

Luke 19:20-21 "Master, here's your money safe and sound. I kept it hidden in the cellar. To tell you the truth, I was a little afraid. I know you have high standards and hate sloppiness, and don't s suffer fools gladly."

Continuing with the Servants and the Talents series meditation this week. I'm going to say the conclusion of today's meditation- Fear makes us stop. But God's life, makes us move. The difference between frozen state, and lively moving state.

What the servant above says is so devastating to me, because it is so ironic. If he thought God had such high standards, why did he keep the money from God in a cellar, hidden? Not doing anything with it? If he was afraid of Master, why did he just keep still? Ultimately, whose standards is this man talking about? Is it really God's? I do not exactly know how his logistics are working, but somehow I understand. It was because he was scared. Hurt, feared, insecure from past. Or wrong perspective about God. The point is that he was "afraid" to be rejected by people, world to say NO to him, or merely failing to use that money for good. So he decided to NOT DO ANYTHING and lay around in bed. Hiding the life, money, talent, that was given for granted. I mean, do you think he even prayed amongst that time? I assume not, because he obviously did not know exactly the characteristics of God.

You know what, I understand this man 100%. But only the part where he was afraid so he decided not to be prolific. It's like I know my grades are updated online but because I am so afraid to see it I don't click on it until the last minute. Yes. This man waited until the last minute when Master came back, and he was, well, too late. The part I don't understand is that if I was him I would work my butt off to really use that money to even make two out of one. But during the meditation that "standard" that the servant had, lived inside me for the longest time. And it's not God's, of course, but it's mine. And it's infinitely high that is ridiculous. And I believe, even in you, who are reading this, have some kind of standards that might not be necessarily made by you but your parents, your dark past, people around you, media, the world, the lies.... And they make you, what? Yes. FREEZE. So you do not do ANYTHING for God. How scary is that. Just to live a day like a hamster in a cage running the treadmill over and over again, being obsessed about what to eat, how to earn money, and what to wear.

But there is good news. The metaphor says this is money, but this means life. The servant could not have lived without the money that the Master gave before he left. God gave us part of his life so we can LIVE. And here, living means not only just breathing (of course thank Jesus for that), but to ACT and LIVE for God. Getting up from the lethargies, regrets, hurt, past, fear, and doing the smallest thing in my day today with such love. I mean, think about it, what would have these servants have done with this money (this money was a payment for about 100 days which is pretty big), do a business? donate to homeless? sell food and clothes? Whichever it is, they shared. Only sharing makes it twice and triple larger. Meaning, we have to live today to use our talents to share. It might not be necessarily monetizing term, but to give and show and share.

Or, simply, just practice and discipline your talents in your small room. Just doing it. For me, I draw, paint, everyday, and edit photos, and write. Then share online. Send to people. Why? Because the Master is returning. We cannot do NOTHING until he tells us to "do this" or "go there," before that, we are preparing. Because without preparation when he calls us we will be like "oh I'm not ready because I do not have this or I am not talented enough," that's exactly what the darkness wants. We need to be getting ready EVERYDAY. Small steps at a time. So we are ready to say "yes" when we actually asks what to do or go here and there for his name sake. Meaning, we need to get up and prepare ourselves today for his coming. That is our reward. I mean, what a brilliant, amazing reward- compared to what this world says reward- a house? a car? a fame? They will not even last a short time as fly's life. He is coming back to see what we have in our hands through his generously given- talent, life, gift, and light. That is the purpose of life.

I encourage you to break your fear. If you are frozen in one state where you are thinking like thousand thoughts but cannot act, it means you are stopped. Because your hands and feet are not moving. Moving your thoughts is not, unfortunately, living. That exists ultimately to act upon. Not just leaving as thoughts. Another bad news is that, when you keep thoughts for too long- they become worries. Darkness love to play with your thoughts and drag down again with them so you will not act.

Get up, move, and live. Share. You have his life. That is all you need and you have everything.

God bless you today!

Paul

May 04, 2022 in Prayer

Acts 9:15 "He is chosen in my name as my tool, to deliver my name to the world."

This is the second thing Jesus says about Paul ever in Acts, and it is breathtaking as I meditate. After this moment, Paul's life changes just like a flip of a coin.

What is the purpose of life, which the world says? or what my parents had been telling me since I was young? or how my peers live their lives in my age currently? It's pretty simple; it's the matter of what to eat, how to earn money, what to wear. Exactly what Jesus tells us NOT TO WORRY in the four gospels but to trust him, because he even cares for the sparrows and the wild flowers in the fields.

I prayed upon today's journal and I was honest to God; that I am not courageous enough to actually be ready for the hardships I will encounter whilst delivering your name in my works and my life. I need Holy Spirit to give that steel heart in me; I do not know if I could really be stern in your name even in the midst of the world taking away the food, clothing, and money from me because I praise Jesus.

But apparently, the verse does that actually give Paul a choice. Jesus does not ask him. We would think that God's declaration may be some sort of a chain and a force into our lives as if we are losing freedom, but I believe Paul knew right away that was actually the freedom. Encountering the true God and living for his name, even if he had to run away from the city because people were trying to kill him. Which I admire Paul for that blunt change in few hours-days possibly, and I ask the Spirit of God to make that change in my heart also. Not looking back

The Story About Investment (Luke 19:11-)

May 03, 2022 in Prayer

Luke 19:13 There was once a man descended from a royal house who needed to make a long trip back to headquarters to get authorization for his rule and then return. But first he called ten servants together, gave them each ten servants together, gave them each a sum of money, and instructed them, 'Operate with this until I return.'

Last week's sermon was the metaphor of talent. I listened very closely as I have been meditating about talent for pretty long time as I picked up painting again, in mixed with photography. There was an important part of this passage that I did not know; here, the 'money,' or 'talent,' that is from the original work called 'mina,' which was the currency name back then. The preacher said this actually means beyond just money and talent, but a 'life.'

Meaning, the man who descended from the royal family going back to hometown to receive kingship is Jesus, and he gives us 'life' to 'operate with them until he returns.' I used to think limited in terms of talent which are more of skills such as creativity, wealth, or any kind of born-with-abilities that we could make career of. However, this is actually the new 'life' that Jesus gives as when we accept him as our ruler of our lives. Unfortunately, just as Jews rejected Jesus, on verse 14, the servants hated him and did not want him to receive the kingship. They wanted themselves to rule their own lives, or, let the world and the people of authority to rule them so they could be comfortable and enjoy the security that the world gives.

The life itself that we are living today, the day that I have been giving today, is what Jesus gave us to share and flourish before he returns. He already has received the Kingship from the father of heaven. But I seem to forget that this day, this life, is for something better in the future. I get lazy and procrastinate thinking I do not need to put too much effort because I do not want Jesus to RULE over my today. Then I lay around, worrying, being busy for nothing, merely thinking about uncertain future, or just becoming negative about my present environment, and eventually at the end of the day I realize- I have lost that 'life' today. And sadly, to the one who kept the money in a fabric and did nothing with it, the royal man returns and becomes mad and takes away that one money. Given to the one who already made ten out of one. Yes. Pretty clear conclusion. The life is not ours, so if we do not make a good living for Jesus, the owner takes it away at the end of the life when he returns. There is not much time to linger around doing nothing with our lives- we have to live this present as we take small responsibilities that is already given today, and also wait for God to really open doors in our lives.

I encourage you to get out of that drowned past of hurt and doubt. That just works when the darkness wants to drag you down so you don't life that 'life' that Jesus gave you before he left. It's so simple. Darkness is so glad that you are still hurt, scared, and feared. Unfortunately it means you are still in the dark, not the light. It's just either or thing here in Christianity. It's either dark or light. But the ultimate master gave us something called life, to live, flourish, and exceed- so we could love our God and our neighbor until Jesus returns again. Get up. Get out of the dark bed of death and move out to the light. Grab your day whatever is in your room, read the bible, or hold the guitar, cook in the kitchen, pray, sing, or simply create. Act upon the things that are already surrounded in you, then God will also start working. He is waiting for you.

The rich simplicity

March 25, 2022 in Prayer

"A Devout life does bring wealth, but it's the rich simplicity of being yourself before God. Since we entered the world penniless and will leave it penniless, if we have bread on the table and shoes on our feet, that's enough." -1 Timothy 6:6-8 MSG

Just came back from the trip to Colorado and the sermon that I heard over the Sunday was about God's word. Just the simple classic sermon about five fingers grasping the Bible, five fingers representing reading, memorizing, studying, hearing, and meditating. I've been searching for awhile my next inspiration for artworks, and have been lost. And I realized again, that this is it. The reason and the foundation I will ever go back to the basics of creating. The ultimate source of passion. Inspiration.

God tells me that everything I write, I create, draw, and take photos of - has life in it. Has light in it, if I am abiding in his word. And it is simple is that, the sad fact is that I always believe in something else, which is all the time at the end of the day, a lie. God reminds me that the medium, the major, the subject that I decide to recreate, is a second priority. It does not matter more than what is in me. In my spirit. And when there is God's word residing in me, it's Jesus that is full in me, and there is power and life in the works I create. It does not matter what it is. This is how wonderful he works.

As an artist, creating and expressing art is a form of revealing the self. It's a pretty provoking, intimidating job to have an introvert, but surprisingly, introverts are always eager to show and express. But ironically scared (laugh). Nevertheless, thank God, he has given us something called beautiful talent that we could use to indirectly express ourselves so we do not choke. And releasing that is the easy part, but the hard part is to actually know by heart that what is in me that is going to be released. This does not come from just reading books or having amazing techniques, it comes from being simply, being myself in front of God. And that is rich. That is overwhelming grace. That is all we can do as God-called artists. That is all. It's a challenge, but a gift at the same time. Challenge with me.

Leaning

March 03, 2022 in Prayer

Leaning, means to let my weight shift towards there. And yes it sounds so light and simple, but actually leaning towards someone, especially Jesus, is a lot harder than I could expect by just lifting and tip toeing my weight to him. These days- Jesus is really wanting me to let down my biggest treasure in front of the cross- and that is, surprisingly, art. Everyday since I have begun praying for this, I have realized how much I am deeply in love with what I am good at, I strive to be better at, and I am so passionate of. It is indeed art. Ironically, yes, you would think something that God is given as a gift to you, why would I need to lay it down- but now I think about it opposite- because. It is God given. Then it is his. Not mine. He wants to stand even above this treasure.

These are the photographs from Savannah. Where I started all my journey again in photography and art. It was a big decision to really push again academically- but it was indeed led by God. It was a new jump to actually go to the foundation and really investigate why I am here, why I call myself an artist. And, here I am, now in Atlanta, meeting God again. Leaning on to Jesus again.