Hana

in

I think I could call her muse. I don't have that many, but yes, she is one of the first. I think she is the first person who made me take my camera outside of my comfort zone into hers- her room, living room, her backyard, even her bathtub (laugh). I've been practicing photography and quality time for more than ten years, and that start was Hana. It was just spending time with her, seeing her outer and inner beauty that I could not put in words. And I really thank her for that, and it is indeed an excitement to capture in my film camera. Another dream that I have always just drew upon my imagination, coming true.

“I consider myself to encompass different colors in different situations. At home and with friends and family where I am comfortable I would most consider myself yellow, warm and bright. However when I am alone, I can be blue- cool, calm and subdued. When I am working on something I can be purple- confident, thoughtful and responsible and I can definitely be red sometimes when I experience strong feelings such as love and anger. I see myself as so many colors in different situations but I suppose others looking at me can associate me with the color light blue- quiet, kind and easy to be with.”

“I am lucky to have such a broad depth of understanding. Minsung calls it my worst and best trait but I think it's my best. My understanding has helped me come into terms of situations which have hurt me and that equals to less stress. My very open-mindness helps me to learn new things, to be more creative and have more ways to think. My desire to understand something or someone has broadened my mind and makes me more curious, and more knowledgeable.It helps in all facets of my life.”

“I appreciate the culture of Jeong (정) the most. This quality is embedded in me by my mom, my family, my growing up in korea and around korean people in America. This helps me to love and care easily, helps me to not be alone and vindictive, and just makes me a better person.” 

“I’d like to be more disciplined than I am now. Even though I know I can do more and achieve more and be better, there are sometimes I do not meet that because I am not disciplined enough. I put off until tomorrow or when I have no choice but to do it and that makes me do things half-heartedly and I regret it.”

“Even after 11 years, it is still very much limiting and difficult. It frustrates me when I can’t do simple things that others can, it annoys me when I have to plan extra for when I go out or travel, it makes me self-conscious when I meet strangers or think about doing new things, and makes me sad when I imagine what could have been if I did not have a disability.

However without it I would have not known the extent of strangers, and really everyone around me’s kindness. The simple goodness and helpfulness, really the kind nature and the beauty of humanity that everyone possesses. I would have not known the extent that I can be so able, how resilient, cunning, and adaptable that I can be. I also believe that it has helped me to love and care more, to hold precious simple things, and find happiness in the smallest places.”

Finding Solitary

in

Finding Solitary

나는 어렸을적 부터 혼자 있는 시간이 원하지 않는데도 참 많았다. 아빠는 타지에서 일하셨고, 엄마는 알바를 하신다고 집에 잘 안계셨다. 한국에 있을 때 할머니와 작은 외삼촌 가족, 할아버지, 작은 아파트에 참 많은 인원이 옥닥복닥 살았지만 나는 어른이 되어서야 가족의 정을 알았지, 사춘기때는 늘 내 방문을 꼭 닫고 어두컴컴한 책상위 퍼어런 램프로 쬐어지는 교과서만 바라보고는 했다. 두 사람이 누울법 할 법한 방 하나와 쪽 창문 하나였지만 내 공간이 있었음에 나는 숨어 안도하며 지냈다. 그 이후 뉴질랜드에서 홈스테이를 하면서 첫 ‘가족의 따뜻함’을 맛보았는데, 나와는 머리색도 피부색도 눈 색깔도 다른 가족이었지만 그들은 나를 딸로 여겨주었다. 식탁에서 소금을 머리 뒤로 뿌리면 복이 온다고 하던 아빠 아저씨가 기억난다. 아이러니하게도 나는 그 가족의 따스함의 기억이 ‘나의’ 기억이 아닌, 그저 영화 하나를 본 듯이, 다른 사람의 이야기처럼 내 마음에서 가끔 꺼내볼 수 있는 정도의 기억으로 남았다. 그리고 그 기억들은 내가 더 혼자임을, 더 홀로임을, 자각시켜주었다.

여덟살 적, 나는 누군가에게 말하지 못할 마음아픈 일을 정말 말 그대로 그 누구에게도 말하지 못하게 되었다. 그것이 나는 시작이었다고 생각한다. 힘든 것은, 아픈 것은, 그 누구에게도 말하는것이 아님을 어린 나는 알았다. 생각보다 내성적이고 낯가림이 심한 나는 성장할수록 밝아지고 에너지가 높아지게 되었다. 어린 남자친구들도 그저 영화 한편처럼, 나를 영화처럼 사랑만 해주는 대상으로 바라보고 있었다. 의지 라는것은 홀로 할수밖에 없음을 나는 늘 느끼고 있었는지도 모른다. 

나는 혼자가 참 편한 사람이 되어 자랐다. 애인이 있을때면 외롭고, 애인이 없을때면 ‘고독’ 했다. 나는 늘 후자로 돌아오기 마련이었다. 함께 있어 외로운것 보다는, 나 스스로가 함께 있어주는것은 하나도 외롭지 않기 때문이다. 하나님을 만난지 어엿 십년이 다되어 가도 나는 아직 함께함이라는 것을 배우는 과정에 있다. 정말 같이 있어주는것은 무엇일까. 몸만 같이 있어주는것일까. 눈을 바라봐주는 것일까. 그 임재가 느껴지는건 우리의 말로도, 우리의 눈물로도 어쩌면 대체할 수 없는 마법같은 신기루같은걸지도. 

헨리나우엔은 정확하게 구별한다. 외로움과 고독함. 나는 처음으로 외로움이 아닌 고독함을 끌어안는다. 그것은 내 상처를, 내 연약함을, 내 죄된 음성들과 생각들을, 정욕, 질투, 시기, 그 모든것을 정면으로 받아들이는 시간을 뜻한다. 거기에는 그 모든것을 품어주시는 누군가가 함께함을 전제로 한다. 

나는 오늘도 홀로 배신감에, 상처에 눈물을 흘린다. 핸드폰너머 누군가는 나의 말들을 기다리고 있다. 침대에 다리를 놓고 천장에 있는 불만 하염없이 쳐다보고 있는 나는 그 기다림에 답할수가 없다. 내가 외로움인지, 고독함인지, 아직 모르겠기 때문이다. 그 누군가는 그 날 그렇게 기다리다 갔다. 그러나 내게는 그것 하나만으로 족했다. 내가 고독함을 끌어안아도, 아무것도 말하지 않아도, 내 옆을 지켜주는 사람들이 있다는 것을 차차 알아가고 있기 때문이다. 내가 외로움을 자처해도, 그들은 내게 따스한 민들레 차와 같은 말들을 건넨다. 너는 내 정말 좋은 친구라고. 너 자신을 탓하지 말라고. 그리고 말한다. 여호와는 빨간약이라고.

우리의 고독에, 외로움에, 배신감에, 상처에, 바를수 있는 유일한 빨간약은 누군가의 함께 있음이다. 너이고, 나이다.

아파서 허덕거리고 있을때 내게 손 내밀어준 가까운 이들에게 감사의 인사를 남기며 마지막 몇장들을 바친다.

작고 보잘것 없지만, 늘 그렇게 내 곁에 있어줘서 고맙다고 말해주고싶다.

All human beings are alone. No other person will completely feel like we do, think like we do, act like we do. Each of us is unique, and our aloneness is the other side of our uniqueness. The question is whether we let our aloneness become loneliness or whether we allow it to lead us into solitude. Loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community.

Letting our aloneness grow into solitude and not into loneliness is a lifelong struggle. It requires conscious choices about whom to be with, what to study, how to pray, and when to ask for counsel. But wise choices will help us to find the solitude where our hearts can grow in love.

-Henri Nouwen

Lethargies

Lethargies

Model : Grace Lewis

Assistants : Hana Choi, Lahyun Moon

모든것에 힘이 없다. 무기력함이 한국에서부터 끊이지가 않는 느낌이다. 아무것도, 대체 그 어느것도 내 손 안에 힘을 남기지 않고 그냥 공기처럼 바람처럼 바스라져 나가는 느낌이다. 누굴 만나고 어떤 운동을 하고 어느 것을 해도 나는 결국 똑같은 상태로 돌아온다. 잠옷을 입은 채 침대 안에서 땀을 흘리며 무기력하게 누워있다. 나는 무엇을 그리워하고 있는것일까. 내 마지막 기억은, 내 행복의 마지막 기억은 런던의 졸업작품 때 였을까, 한국 할머니방에서 찬양하며 울었던 순간들이었을까. 나는 어느 때가 그토록 그리워서 지금 행복해하지 못하는걸까. 나는 매일매일 하나님을 만나고싶은데 내 마음에 허함과 공허함이 너무 커서 사랑의 근원인 생명의 뿌리인 말씀을 계속 찾는데 왜 나는 다시 무너질까. 나는 아직도 왜 집착해하고 있고 결핍때문에 매일 지고 있는걸까 이제는 이 반복에서 이 굴레에서 벗어나고 싶은데 나는 그냥 그 굴레의 중심에 철퍼덕 하고 누워있을 뿐이다. 나는 너무나 고갈되어있다. 바쁘게 살려고 노력하는 힘도 없고 행복하려고 밝으려고 하는 힘도 없고 힘들다고 하소연할 힘조차 내게는 없다. 이 힘든 마음을 무엇으로 표현할 힘조차 내게는 남아 있지 않다. 누가 나에게 손을 내밀어 줄까. 누가 나와 이런 나와 함께 해줄까. 나는 이렇게 힘든데 나는 이렇게 괴로운데. 사방이 막혀 숨이 막혀오는 나에게 누가 숨통을 트이게 해줄까. 누가 날 위해 달려와줄까.

억지로 이겨내는것과 이것을 온전히 받아들임의 사이에 있는 나, 어쩌면 이것 또한 나를 생명으로 이끄는것이라면 감사하겠노라고 생각해본다. 무기력함, 생명없음, 멸망, 괴로움, 외로움, 불안함, 자기경시, 이 모든것이 표면적으로는 나를 내가 아닌 사람처럼 만드는것 같고 우리는 그 모든것에서 발버둥치려고 하지만 결국 그 모든것은 생명으로 이끈다. 그것은 그 어떤 인간도, 그 어떤 긍정과 부정도, 거스를 수 없는 생명의 원리이며 진리이다. 그래서 나는 가끔 아침에 커텐 사이로 빛드는 햇살에 눈을 돌리고는 하지만 희망을 갖는다. 누군가 내 삶을 다 책임지며 오늘도 돌보고 있다고. 그래서 오늘을 견뎌낸다.

Plural. Lethargies. Maybe it is a combination of multiple feelings mixed together that drags down every part of my thoughts and minds. To be honest, lethargies are an essential for a human being to encounter before realizing the celebration of life. Life brings energy, hope, and light- when lethargies bring the opposite. Humans are so dearly stubborn that we need to experience the hit of the wall and floor to experience new life. Even though this does not come from God, we can say it was used by God for his goodness and life.

Suffocation. Dreadfulness. Hopelessness. Powerless. Everything is a beautiful symptom of our sickness that leads to life. They are like seeds sown with tears through prayer to the ground. The photos do not display any glimpse of hope but the light does. Just as the daylight was so dim and scattered that day, there is the light of truth always, constantly, warming our colded spirits that is about to dry out and die.

*narrative

The light strays straight into my face. The season is dragging longer than I thought where the morning sunlight is so annoying. But I still try to mask myself, to the neighbor, to the audience, to the people, to the loved ones.. I dress pretty, makeup pretty, everything perfect and pretty. But no, I still want to hide, be dragged back in my bedsheets, stare out through the veil where I still want to suffocate. Humans’ words just pushes my vein into jealousy and depression, where those positive words even seem fake. Hide my face. My happiness. My “I’m okay”-ness. My sadness. My any emotions should not be expressed, because that’s where I am. I stay still. Look away. The sun goes down, there is dim, dim light that only lights up the space just in front of my feet. The day goes and I am back to my “I’m okay”- mask.

Lazy Days

Model : May Haremo @Named Models London

HMUA : Zainab

Garments : Danyuan Chen

Stylist : Pearline Annalise

The Bride

The marriage of the Lamb has come,

And his bride has made herself ready.

Revelation 19:7

* * * * *

Models : Hillary Trimarch & Sarah Shaw & Zhen Ahn

Garments : Siki Chong & Juliet Edosa & Huong Nguyen

HMUA : Sarah Shaw

The Feast

 “The kingdom of heaven is like a king who prepared a wedding banquet for his son. 

He sent his servants to those who had been invited to the banquet to tell them to come, but they refused to come.

“Then he sent some more servants and said, ‘Tell those who have been invited that I have prepared my dinner: My oxen and fattened cattle have been butchered, and everything is ready. Come to the wedding banquet.’

Matthew 22:1-4

* * * * *

Let us rejoice and be glad
and give him glory!
For the wedding of the Lamb has come,
and his bride has made herself ready.
Fine linen, bright and clean,
 was given her to wear.”

(Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of God’s holy people.)

Revelation 19:7-9 

* * * * *

For many are invited, but few are chosen.

Matthew 22:14

* * * * *

Models : Elise Brown, Broyny Bowes, Alex Brooks @oxygenmodels

HMUA : Miyeon Seo & Sarah Shaw

Garments : Sophy Jekal & Danyuan Chen

The Well

“Whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. 

Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

John 4:13

Model : Suzanna Baker, Izzy Jones, Storm Model Management

HMUA : Yiyi Tien

Garments : Huong Nguyen, LAUDO, Deok Soon JIN

The Crown

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one.Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Luke 10:38-42

At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love
Through the judgment You received
And You've won my heart
Yes You've won my heart
Now I can
Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross
At the foot of the cross
Where I am made complete

At the Foot of the Cross - Kathryn Scott

* * *

Model : Anastasia Fedoseeva & Maya Bosman, Oxygen Model Management London

HMUA : Sarah Shaw

Garments : Youngju Im, Danyuan Chen

Modern Modesty 4

This editorial associates with two characteristics of modesty which are solitary and purity. Young generation of consumers are constantly checking and decorating their appearance; we are obsessed with being busy interacting with unseen people in the small screens.  Throughout the day, we are crammed by too much information that distracts a lifestyle that cannot be ‘solitary.’  Here, a modest women who appreciates silence in her solitariness without any disruption; she is wise in terms of accepting and blocking things in her life and staying ‘pure.’

2nd Project on Modern Modesty @ London.

Model ADELINE NAGY / Linen jacket designed by KIKI CHONG / White Coat designed by CATHERINE CHEN/ Inner dress MARNI/ Necklace MIU MIU/ Art Direction ALICE KIM

The Alabaster

For BeauNU Magazine 2018 October Issue:

Confidence comes from humility, just as the metaphor of the women who broke the Alabaster with tears. The alabaster breaks, the fragrance fills the room and the people in the room can smell the beautiful sacrifice. She, ultimately, has become the broken alabaster itself. Confidence is not stepping on others and going to the higher place, that is arrogance and pride. The true confidence comes from humble heart knowing how to serve, to lay down, to be low. This editorial depicts the beauty of hidden confidence of woman that should be portrayed.

“A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume. As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.” (Luke 7:37-38)

Model : Lois Welsh @loiswelxh @revoltmodels

HMUA : Sarah Shaw & Dora Yu @sesmakeup, @dorayu_mua

Garments : Liza Kain, LAUDO @lizakain @laudo_official

The Lantern

“At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise. The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. The wise ones, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps. The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep. “At midnight the cry rang out: ‘Here’s the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’ Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps. The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out. ’No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.’

But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut. Later the others also came. ‘Lord, Lord,’ they said, ‘open the door for us!’

But he replied, ‘Truly I tell you, I don’t know you.’

Matt 25:1-13

Model : Joi Riggall, Milk Model Management

HMUA : Dora yu & Yiyi Tien

Garments : Liza Kain, Sora Yun, Deok Soon Jin

Modest Love

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

Modest Love Project

 This project commemorates everyday relationships where love comes the ultimate reason to love the spouse/sibling/somebody in life at the end of the day. The love that never gives up, waits, and covers all the flaws comes down from one and only Savior, Jesus Christ. 

Special thanks to: the ordinary everyday lovers who strive to do the love in the midst of days where you just cannot.

Beautiful One

My beloved spoke and said to me,
    “Arise, my darling,
    my beautiful one, come with me.

-Song of Songs 2:10

Model : Sophie Porter & Daniel Candler

HMUA : Dora yu Makeup and Hair

Garments : STEVE JIN @stevvvjin @fashioncrossoverlondon

Je Te Veux

Je Te Veux - Acoustic Cafe

Longing. Missing. Je Te Veux @ London.

Model MARGO / Garments DANYUAN CHEN & CHAERIN HAN 

The Humble Humility

"Modesty is to become low in front of God and being humble in front of praise."

Designer copyright © Radvile Kisieliute & YUNN

Models: Adeline & Amy & Marrissa & Abby

Makeup: Mimi Wang

Modern Modesty 3

"Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." 1 Peter 3:3-4

3rd Project on Modern Modesty @ London.

Special thanks to: Paul, my MA1718 amazingly talented peers, and ordinary beautiful models who volunteered.

Models ELIZA BOURNER, DAVINYA COOPER, MARISSA JIAN, ADELINE NAGY/Garments by KIKI CHONG, CHAERIN HAN

Gentle Greenery

Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready; it was granted her to clothe herself with fine linen, bright and pure”— for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints. And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, “These are the true words of God.” Revelations 19:7-9

Garment Designer : Missy Yu

HMUA : YiYi Tien

Assistant/Stylist : Beatrice Puppo

Model : Kathreena

Solid Gold

in

Solid Gold by Blue Desert, Tokyo Babylon Image Soundtrack Takashima Masahiro

All Garments Designed by Maria Katrina Fernando

 HMUA : Sarah Shaw

Assistant/Styling : Zoe

Location : AUCH Studio

Model : Adeline Nagy

Mauve London

in

"Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." 1 Peter 3:3-4

Project Mauve @ London.

Special thanks to: Kathreena, for reaching out for such a project, Yiyi, amazing, quick makeup & great company to work with.